


all we are

by SeahorseStuff (SoloChaos)



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-13 14:06:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2153436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoloChaos/pseuds/SeahorseStuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler knows that he shouldn't be doing this, not when he has a baby inside him, but it's the last show of the tour and he's hopped on adrenaline and he just wants to climb and jump. </p><p>He's in the middle of a song when he climbs up on top of his piano.</p><p>But then he falls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all we are

**Author's Note:**

> so there’s MPREG here don’t read it if you don’t like it.
> 
>  
> 
> The main character has a miscarriage, and if that could possibly trigger you in any way, please don’t read this. Also, there’s an extremely brief but graphic depiction of a nightmare featuring wounded babies, just as a warning.
> 
>  
> 
> A thank you to odetosleep for helping me out and putting up with me while I was writing this.

"What?" Tyler mutters to himself as he stares at the test. "No."

He checks another one. Two blue lines. "Oh, no."

He picks up the third. Green square. "No, no, no."

He examines the fourth. Smiley face. "No, no, no no no."

He picks up the last one. 'You're Knocked Up!'

"Oh, crap."

 

 

Tyler spends most of the day curled up in his bunk, trying not to freak out.

His parents had never gotten him tested when he was a baby, and Tyler had relied on the fact that since the gene was so rare, he probably wouldn't get pregnant if Josh forwent the condom.

 _Idiot,_ he reprimands himself. _You stupid idiot._

Tyler rests his hand over his flat (for now) stomach. For a second, he wonders that if he just pretended it wasn't there, this would all just go away.

Probably not.

Tyler takes his shirt off early into that night's show, just because he still can.

 

 

He should tell Josh. 

He should tell Josh, he _knows_ this, but he can't. He just can't, not yet, because it doesn't feel quite real yet.

Maybe it's not.

And then Tyler's rushing for the toilet, cursing morning sickness, and he knows that this is real.

 

 

Tyler finally manages to make himself look for hospitals along their route on their tour that are equipped for male pregnancies. 

He finds himself resting his hand over his belly as he looks. It's something that he's started doing recently.

He hasn't started to show yet, thank goodness. He'll probably be showing a little by the end of the tour, but he doesn't think he'll need to buy any baggier clothes before then. He can wear some of Josh's looser shirts, too. Josh would like that, even if he didn't know why Tyler's wearing his clothes.

Speaking of Josh...

Tyler knows it's a horrible thing to do, to keep Josh in the dark about something like this, but maybe Josh wouldn't want this. Maybe he doesn't want a baby thrown into the mix. Maybe he'll leave Tyler, leave him alone with a baby inside him.

Tyler then wants to slap himself. _Josh isn't like that,_ he tells himself sternly.

But maybe Josh will cancel the tour. Maybe Josh will argue that it's not safe for Tyler, and it'll get cancelled no matter how much Tyler protests. And Tyler needs this, he _needs_ this tour. He needs to sing and scream and hit his piano with his fingers for a room full of kids who want to hear him. And maybe the baby will feel what he does, too.

The baby.

Tyler pulls up his shirt and imagines his stomach expanded for a little baby inside him. He imagines Josh running his fingers over his skin, pressing his lips where the baby is just below. Tyler...

Tyler just might want this.

 

 

Tyler's starting to show.

He notices this after a show when he realizes that one of his shirts is starting to feel just a little too tight around his waist. He yanks his shirt up before running a hand over his belly, and yup, there's a little bump there. 

Josh walks in on him standing in their hotel bathroom, shirt rucked up to his armpits and staring at the reflection of his stomach in the mirror. Tyler yanks his shirt down quickly, unsure if Josh saw anything.

"Hi," he says a little too brightly.

"Hello," Josh says, looking a little worried. "You all right?"

Tyler nods quickly. "Yup. Yeah. Fine."

Josh still looks concerned, but he seems to let it go.

"Coming to bed?" he asks.

"Yeah," Tyler says. "Just a second."

 

 

He finds a hospital that's supplied with doctors and equipment suited for male pregnancy along one of the longer breaks between shows. He makes an appointment and later mumbles an excuse to Josh before leaving.

"Is the other daddy here?" the ultrasound technician asks cheerfully.

"Um, no. It's, ah, just me," Tyler says awkwardly, and the technician gives him a sympathetic look.

"I'm sorry," she says as she opens the door to a hospital room, and he feels the need to explain. 

"I haven't told him," he blurts. "It's not like he doesn't want it or anything."

The technician gives him an indecipherable look.

"Are you planning on telling him?" she asks evenly.

"Yeah, I- yeah," Tyler says as he climbs onto the bed. "I mean- eventually, yeah."

The technician pats his shoulder. "Plan on doing it soon," she tells him. "Otherwise things are going to get a little too messy for you to clean up."

He nods slowly as he pulls up his shirt. She applies gel evenly over his lower abdomen. It's cold, and it tickles, and Tyler barely refrains from giggling. He's fairly certain laughing wouldn't be appropriate here.

She places the probe over his stomach, and they both watch the monitor as she moves it around.

"Looks healthy," the technician tells him with a smile. "I could tell you the gender, if you'd like."

"Really?" Tyler blinks in surprise. "I thought you could only tell in the third month."

"Not with men," she says. "Babies grow faster in males."

"Oh," Tyler says, realizing how little he actually knows about male pregnancy. It's probably something that he should remedy soon.

"Would you like to know the gender?" the technician asks again.

"Oh, right," Tyler says. "Um. Okay."

"You're having a boy," she tells him with a smile.

"A boy," he repeats, looking at the monitor. "How can you even tell?"

"That's his head, see?" the technician says, pointing to a blob on the monitor. "Those are his arms, those are his legs," she says, moving her finger. "And that's his penis."

Tyler chokes a little on his own spit.

"Oh," he says, coughing.

"Would you like a few pictures?" she asks.

"Yes, please," Tyler says as he watches his baby on the monitor.

 

 

Tyler had stopped taking his shirt off for sex a while ago, but Josh never questioned it, never asked why. Sometimes Tyler snags some of Josh's t-shirts to wear because some of them are baggy on him, and Josh murmurs, later, that Tyler looks like _his_ when he wears Josh's clothes. They both usually end up losing their clothes right after that. (Or in Tyler's case, everything but Josh's shirt.)

They're both kissing lazily on a hotel bed, Tyler on his back and Josh not quite on top of him. Tyler had freaked out a couple of days ago when Josh tried to lie down on top of him, and since then Josh has been extra-conscious of Tyler's stomach.

"What are you doing?" Tyler asks as Josh pulls back from their kiss.

"Love you," Josh says as he pushes Tyler's shirt up a little, and Tyler swallows hard, resisting the urge to push Josh away and pull his shirt down.

"What are you doing?" Tyler asks again.

"I love you," Josh says, and he kisses Tyler's stomach. "I love every bit of you."

And Tyler- oh, gosh, Tyler wants to cry. He knows Josh thinks that he put on some weight, that Tyler’s feeling shy about that. But no, that's Josh's _kid_ there and he doesn't even know. He thinks of the ultrasound photos, folded neatly and tucked carefully in his bag.

"Hey," Josh says, meeting Tyler's eyes. "It's okay."

Tyler pulls him up for a kiss.

"I love you," he murmurs against Josh's lips.

 

 

Tyler spends the day online, just looking at cribs and baby toys, but not clicking the button to buy. It's getting him excited, and he thinks about telling Josh right then and there because he thinks he wants them to go shopping for cribs and clothes and changing tables and anything and everything a baby needs. To do something domestic and cutesy that he never thought he'd want. But he does. He wants this. 

Tour's over in a few days, and Tyler decides he'll tell Josh then. They'll do something nice and cute and then he'll tell him during dinner maybe.

He feels kind of (a lot) like a dork for planning all this out, but he's an expectant father. They plan a lot, don't they?

And Tyler plans.

Yes, he plans. He thinks of a baby shower, maybe. His mom's reaction when he tells her she's going to have a grandchild. Maybe his father will demand a shotgun wedding, and Tyler giggles at the thought. His friends' reactions, especially when he tells them it was _Josh_ that knocked him up. He thinks of putting a nursery in one of the spare rooms in their apartment, which is honestly just a little too big for just two people anyways.

"It's like it was made for the three of us," he tells his small bump at his waist before pausing. Since when does he talk to the baby? He didn't mean to become so corny.

He doesn't really mind, though.

 

 

Tyler knows that he shouldn't be doing this, not when he has a baby inside him, but it's the last show of the tour and he's hopped on adrenaline and he just wants to climb and jump. 

He's in the middle of a song when he climbs up on top of his piano.

But he soon realizes that he's off-balance now, with a baby inside of him, growing and adding extra weight. So he tries to stay as still as possible, keep his balance.

But then he falls.

Freezing, Tyler can feel something in his stomach jolt, and he swallows hard.

_Please, God, no..._

He's stopped singing, and he can hear that Josh has stopped hitting his drums, but his limbs are completely frozen and he can feel that something is _wrong._

"Tyler?"

Tyler can feel a hand on his shoulder, pushing him up, and his hand automatically flies to his stomach. The small bump is there, and he _prays..._

"Tyler, can you hear me?" 

Tyler blinks slowly, looking up to see Josh kneeling in front of him, looking scared.

"Are you all right?" Josh asks.

"I..." Tyler swallows hard, looking up to see all the kids in the audience looking back at him. "I'm fine," he says, standing up. "I'm fine."

Josh gives him another worried look. "Are you sure?"

Tyler closes his eyes, takes a deep breath. "I'm fine."

 

 

He's not fine.

As soon as he gets off the stage he stumbles into the bathroom, because he's starting to feel something wet in his underwear.

He pulls down his pants and underwear once he's closed the bathroom door, and his stomach lurches.

His underwear is soaked in blood.

Tyler's stomach is rolling, and he barely makes it to the toilet before he's vomiting, throwing up everything.

_Oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh._

He feels a sob tear its way out of his throat while he gags. 

_His baby..._

Tyler finally stops retching, falling back and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He looks down to realize that his hand has automatically placed itself on the small bump on his stomach.

He bursts into tears.

Tyler sobs, burying his face in his hands. He curls up into himself, bathroom tile cold on his skin. His child, his baby is _gone._ Gone because of him.

He cries.

Tyler doesn't know how long he lies there just sobbing, but suddenly he hears the door being opened, and oh no, he'd forgotten to lock the door.

"Tyler?" he hears Josh say, and he opens his eyes to see his boyfriend peeking in. "Are you all- oh my gosh."

Tyler realizes that he must be a mess. He hasn't pulled his pants back up yet, and he hasn't flushed the toilet after throwing up into it, and he's curled up on the floor and sobbing.

He doesn't care.

"Oh, my gosh," Josh repeats, stepping in and dropping to his knees beside Tyler. _"Tyler."_

"I..." And Tyler trails off when he realizes that the baby he just lost was Josh's too.

It was their baby.

He lost their baby.

Tyler buries his head further into his hands, heaving a sob. _Their_ baby.

"Tyler, what's- what happened?" Josh asks as he leans over to flush the toilet. "Talk to me, _please."_

"I-" Tyler chokes on another sob. "I l-lost..." He takes a deep, steadying breath that doesn't work. "I- I'm so..."

"It's okay," Josh says, gently grabbing Tyler's hand and squeezing. "It's okay."

"It's- it's _not,"_ Tyler gets out. "It's not, and I'm so _sorry."_

"Shh," Josh says softly, and he tries to wrap Tyler into a hug, but Tyler pushes away. "Tyler, please, it's okay."

"It's not," Tyler insists. "It's not, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." 

"Tyler, what are you-"

"I'm so sorry," Tyler gasps. "I lost it, Josh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"

"Hey, hey, calm down," Josh instructs softly. "Breathe, Tyler."

Tyler just shakes his head. "I can't, I can't," he whispers. "I'm so sorry."

Josh tries to pull Tyler closer to him again, but Tyler resists. "Tyler, what's going on? What are you talking about?"

"Our baby," Tyler whimpers, resting his hand on his stomach where his child used to be. "I lost our baby."

Josh pales. "Tyler, are you- are you saying that you're pregnant?"

Tyler buries his head in his hands. "That I _was_ pregnant, Josh."

"Oh," Josh says, and Tyler can tell that he understands now. "Oh, _Tyler."_  

"I'm so-" Tyler's breath catches on a sob, "so sorry."

"Oh, God," Josh murmurs. He pulls Tyler closer to him again, and this time Tyler doesn't resist. "Tyler," he whispers, and Tyler buries his head in his partner's shoulder.

He rests his hand over his stomach, where something used to live. Where his baby used to live.

Tyler starts sobbing harder.

"Shh, shh," Josh says soothingly, but he sounds like he's on the verge of tears as well, and all Tyler can do is cry.

 

 

"Tyler," Josh says again. 

"I'm not going, Josh," Tyler says for the umpteenth time.

"I just read that you're at high risk for infection," Josh says insistently.

"I don't care," Tyler says. "I'm not going."

"Tyler, _please,"_ Josh begs. "Please, you have to go."

"No."

"Please."

_"No."_

"Tyler-"

"No, Josh!" Tyler finally snaps. "I'm not going to the hospital where doctors and nurses can look at me with- with fucking long faces and sympathetic eyes and- and tell me what I already know, that I messed up and lost my baby, I don't want that, Josh- I don't-"

"Shh," Josh says softly, wrapping Tyler into a hug, and Tyler realizes he has started to cry. "Calm down, okay?"

"I don't want anyone else to know," Tyler whispers.

"Know that you were pregnant, or-"

"That I lost my baby," Tyler chokes out, and Josh hugs him harder. "That I failed."

"Tyler," Josh says softly, and Tyler can hear everything Josh is trying to say in his own name. _"Tyler."_

Tyler buries his head in Josh's shoulder and sobs, clinging to him. He thought he ran out of tears yesterday, but apparently there are still more left.

"Tyler, please," Josh says once Tyler's calmed down a little. "Please go to the hospital. I don't want you to get an infection." He fumbles for Tyler's hand, squeezes it. "I don't want to lose you too."

 

 

Tyler's numb as Josh checks him in at the front desk. 

"We think he had a miscarriage," Josh says to the nurse.

"Think?" Tyler scoffs.

"He had a miscarriage," Josh rephrases.

"Name?" the nurse asks, looking at them sympathetically.

"Tyler Joseph," Josh says.

"All right." The nurse types something into the computer. "Have a seat. Someone will call for you shortly."

Tyler feels her sad eyes on them as they walk away.

"Hey." Josh grabs Tyler's hand. "It's okay."

"It's okay?" Tyler repeats incredulously. "How on earth is it okay?"

Josh sighs. "Fine, it's not okay," he says, squeezing Tyler's hand.

Tyler sighs, resting his head on Josh's shoulder and dozes off.

He's not entirely sure how long it is, but suddenly Josh is gently shaking him awake. There's a nurse standing before them, looking sad.

"Follow me," she says softly.

Josh grabs Tyler's hand and holds it tightly as they follow the nurse into a room in the obstetrics department. The nurse slips a hospital bracelet onto his wrist before handing him a gown.

Tyler stumbles through everything in a daze, Josh holding his hand through the whole thing. Nurses come in, ask questions, take his pulse, temperature, blood pressure, and the like.

A doctor finally walks in, and he's suddenly being guided to an ultrasound machine.

"I'm going to need you to pull up your gown, Tyler," she says softly.

Josh is squeezing his hand so hard that both of their knuckles are turning white.

Swallowing hard, Tyler pulls his gown up to bare his lower abdomen. The doctor hands him a blanket, which he spreads over his lap to cover himself.

The doctor spreads gel over his stomach, and Tyler's suddenly struck by the sense of déjà vu. This time, however, there's no sense of excitement or happy anxiety. It's just dread.

"Josh," he says, and Josh is suddenly right beside him.

"Yes?" Josh asks anxiously.

"I need-"

"Anything," Josh interjects.

"-you to stop squeezing the life out of my hand," Tyler says, and Josh blinks.

"Oh," he says, and lessons his grip on Tyler's fingers.

"Thanks," Tyler murmurs.

The doctor places the probe on Tyler's abdomen and begins to move it around, scanning. Tyler glances at the monitor before he has to look away. He'd studied the pictures of his first ultrasound enough to know that it's not close to being right.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says softly, and Josh bows his head.

Tyler doesn't feel anything.

 

 

They're out in the waiting room in the obstetrics department, waiting for Tyler to be called for his D&C. 

("We usually have them scheduled beforehand," the doctor had said, "but we _can_ do the procedure today."

"Now," Tyler had said firmly.

"Are you sure? You should probably-"

"Now," Tyler had repeated, and that was that.)

"Excuse me?"

Josh and Tyler both look up to see a pregnant girl standing before them.

"Are you, um," the girl pauses, glancing at Tyler's hospital gown, "twenty one pilots?"

Josh shoots Tyler a scared look.

"I, uh," Josh stammers.

"I'm a big fan," she says. She sneaks another glance at Tyler. He crosses his arms, suddenly feeling exposed in just a gown.

"...cool," Josh says belatedly.

"I'm, um, Max," she says. "Maxine. Or just Max."

"Nice to meet you," Josh says.

The girl shifts her weight, looking awkward.

"Please don't tell anyone," Josh blurts out. "That you saw us here. Please."

"I won't," Max promises.

"Please," Josh repeats. "We haven't told anyone. Please, I'll give you whatever you want, just don't-"

"Relax," Max says, holding up her hands. "You don't have to give me anything. I won't tell anyone, I promise."

Josh sinks back into his chair, like all the cords holding him up had been cut.

"I don't, um," she scratches the back of her neck, "think anyone would be, uh," she bites her lip, "surprised."

Tyler and Josh both freeze.

 _"What?"_ Josh demands.

Max looks at him nervously. "There was this... theory. That you," she nods at Tyler, "were pregnant."

Tyler can't move. He can barely breathe.

 _"What?"_ Josh repeats.

"They, um, just didn't know who the other dad was." Max looks at Josh. "Don't worry! I won't tell anyone. I promise."

"Maxine Grant?"

"That's me," Max says as she turns to go to the nurse. "Um. Goodbye."

"Wait," Tyler says, and she turns around to look at him. He swallows hard. "Be- be careful okay?" He looks down at her pregnant belly. "Be careful. You- you're glowing. I..." He squeezes his eyes shut. "I don't want you to lose that."

Max smiles sadly. "You were glowing, too."

 

 

Tyler barely remembers getting home. He has a vague memory of feeling hollow as he woke up and not much else.

He rubs his eyes as he sits up.

"Hey," he hears Josh say, and he looks to see him sitting next to him on their bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," Tyler says, resting his hand over his stomach. "Why wouldn't I be-" He suddenly realizes that his stomach is flat, familiar firmness gone, and the events from yesterday come rushing back.

Tyler buries his head in his hands, pulling his knees up to his chest. He can feel his body start to shake with sobs.

"Tyler," Josh murmurs, wrapping Tyler into a hug. 

"It was real," he whispers. "Oh, gosh, it was _real."_

"I'm so sorry," Josh murmurs. It seems like he's attempting to wrap himself entirely around Tyler like a human blanket. 

Tyler doesn't mind. It's nice.

"I'm so sorry, Tyler," Josh whispers.

 

 

Tyler barely leaves the bed for the next couple days, just curled up in a ball. Josh almost never leaves his side. He just curls himself around Tyler and doesn't say anything. 

Tyler just sleeps.

And he dreams.

Sometimes he dreams of babies, babies with soft skin and happy smiles and Josh's eyes. Babies curled up in a crib, sleeping peacefully.

Other times he dreams of babies soaked in blood, mangled and screaming. Babies with their ribs crushed and faces bloodied. Babies shrieking in agony, because of him. Because of him.

It doesn't matter what kind of dream it is. He always wakes up crying.

 

 

Days go by, weeks, maybe. Tyler wonders, vaguely, what his parents are thinking, wondering why he hasn't called. He wonders if they heard about how he fell. He wonders what the fans think of that.

He thinks about what Max said, about the theory of his pregnancy. He wonders if the theorists figured out what happened after his fall.

Sometimes he thinks about checking his phone, checking his texts, his twitter, his Instagram. But he doesn't. He doesn't want to see what's there, people asking why he's not returning their texts. Why he hasn't been tweeting. Why he hasn't been posting pictures. Why he's essentially disappeared.

Sometimes the phone rings, and Josh always steps out to answer, speaking in hushed tones. Tyler wonders if his mom's called, wonders what Josh told her. He thinks about asking, but he doesn't really have the energy.

He doesn't have the energy for much right now.

 

 

About two weeks after they've gotten back, (at least that's what Tyler thinks, he's not really sure,) Josh mumbles something about getting something to drink and leaves.

Not too long after, Tyler hears a loud clatter and is up and searching for the source of the noise, really leaving his room for the first time in days.

He finds Josh in the kitchen, broken glass below him.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"I was going to be a dad," Josh says softly.

"Um," Tyler says.

"I was going to be a dad, and I didn't even know," Josh says. "Not until it was too late."

"I'm sorry," Tyler whispers.

"And you never told me."

"I'm sorry," Tyler repeats.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Josh demands.

"I was going to, I swear-"

"But _when?"_ Josh asks. "Were you waiting for something to go wrong?"

"No, no," Tyler tries to explain, but Josh doesn't give him the time.

"Why were you keeping it from me?" Josh demands. "That was my baby too!"

"I wasn't- I wasn't trying to hide, I swear-" Tyler stutters out.

"Then what the _fuck_ were you doing?" Josh shouts, and Tyler flinches. Josh has _never_ sworn while talking to him before.

"I- I was scared, Josh..."

"Of what?" Josh asks, features softening slightly. Slightly. "What were you scared of?"

"...you."

Josh's facial expression shutters closed.

"I need a break," he says, standing up and heading for their room.

"What?" Tyler dashes after him. "Why?"

"I just do!" Josh snaps. "This damn place is _choking_ me!"

"Josh, Josh _please..."_

"What do you want, Tyler?" Josh demands, stopping and spinning around so suddenly that Tyler runs into him. 

"I... I don't..." Tyler stammers as he regains his balance.

Josh just sighs and turns back around, grabbing a backpack and heading into their closet.

"Josh," Tyler says desperately.

"What, Tyler?" Josh sighs, not even turning around.

"Don't leave," he whispers.

"Look," Josh says, facing him, "I just need a break, okay? This place," he gestures around, "it's suffocating me." He begins to shove random articles of clothing into his bag. "I'll be back, okay? I just need some time."

"Some time for what?" Tyler demands.

"To collect myself, to reevaluate some things." Josh turns and looks at Tyler. "I want to grieve, Tyler."

"Grieve? W-" The "Why" dies on Tyler's lips, but Josh hears it anyways. Something in his expression snaps.

"I WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY!" Josh screams. "I WAS GOING TO BE A DAD! IT ISN'T JUST YOU," he points at Tyler, "WHO LOST SOMETHING! IT ISN'T JUST YOU WHO HAS THE RIGHT TO GRIEVE!" And Tyler watches, horrified, as Josh wipes away a few tears.

"Josh..."

"Leave me alone, Tyler," Josh says, shaking his head dismissively, and turns his back to Tyler. He goes back to shoving clothes into his bag.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Tyler says. He feels anger, bitter in his throat, and he tries to shove it down. "I'm sorry I kept that I was pregnant from you," he says to Josh's back, "I'm sorry I lost the baby, I'm sorry I had to go to hospital and get what was left of it sucked out of me, I'm sorry there were all those nurses with sad eyes who handed me brochures for therapy, I'm sorry I feel so _empty_ inside, I'm sorry I know that I can get pregnant now, I'm sorry that I don't know if I'll ever want to have sex again, I'm sorry that-"

There's a crash, and Josh spins around, clutching some papers in his hand. 

Tyler's heart sinks when he sees what papers they are.

"These are ultrasound pictures, Tyler," Josh says, voice sounding choked.

Tyler nods slowly, and he buries his head in his hands.

"Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?" Josh demands.

Tyler swallows. "It was a boy."

There's a pause, and then Josh is shoving the pictures into Tyler's arms and grabbing his bag, slinging it over his shoulder.

"You know what?" Josh says as he pushes past Tyler before turning to face him. "I know why you never told me."

Tyler meets Josh's hard, angry eyes.

"It wasn't even my kid," Josh hisses, and he turns and stalks out as Tyler stumbles back as though Josh had slapped him.

Tyler collapses onto the floor, sobs racking his body.

How could Josh _say_ that?

 

 

Tyler doesn't leave his spot on the floor for hours, it seems. But he finally picks himself up off the floor and crawls back into bed.

He can't sleep.

In his mind, he keeps replaying Josh's look of betrayal when Tyler told him it was a boy they lost. Josh's look of fury when he snarled that it wasn't his kid. He doesn't understand how Josh could say something like that to him.

With a sigh, Tyler clambers out of his bed before stripping and climbing into the shower. He hasn't washed himself in a while, and he knows it's disgusting, but he hasn't been able to bear to see himself naked.

He guesses it's about time that he mans up and faces himself. 

Tyler nearly makes it through the shower before he looks to see his stomach, flat again, and for a split second he's confused about where the baby went before he remembers.

Tyler drops to his knees in the shower, feeling stupid for not being _over_ this, why can't he get over this? He knows it's been a while since he lost the baby, but he still feels like it was just yesterday that he was looking at cribs on his phone.

He lets out a sob that echoes around the shower, and he feels utterly pathetic.

 

 

Days pass, probably, until someone walks into the apartment. It could be Josh, or it could be a serial killer. Tyler doesn't really care.

It's not Josh, and it's not a serial killer either.

It's Mark.

"Tyler?" Mark says cautiously as he walks into the bedroom.

"Mark?" Tyler replies, and even _he's_ surprised at the lifelessness in his voice.

"Hey, man," Mark says gently, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"How'd you get in?" Tyler asks.

"The, um, door was unlocked," Mark says softly. "And Josh gave me the key, anyways."

"Oh," Tyler says.

Mark sighs. "So, Josh has been crashing at my place," he says, "but he hasn't told me what happened."

Tyler buries his head in his hands. "And you want me to tell you?" he mumbles.

"Uh. Yeah."

Tyler sighs. "I have the gene," he says softly.

"The- gene?" Mark repeats, sounding confused.

"The male pregnancy gene," Tyler clarifies. "And I didn't know, but then, um," he sighs, "Josh... he got me pregnant."

He looks up to see Mark staring at him with his mouth slightly parted.

"Are- are you saying you're pregnant?" he asks.

Tyler shakes his head. "No- I..." He bites his lip. "Remember the last concert? When I fell?"

"Oh," Mark says, eyes widening. "Oh, dude. I'm so sorry."

Tyler shrugs, pulling his knees up to his chest. “I never told Josh,” he says softly. “I never told him I was pregnant until- until I wasn’t pregnant.” He swallows hard. “It was an unbelievable crappy thing to do, I know. And he didn’t say anything, not until the other day. And-” he sighs, “and I never told him it was a boy until he found the ultrasound pictures.”

He looks up to see Mark staring at him with his eyes wide and mouth slightly open.

“You’re right,” he says finally.

“What?”

“That was unbelievably crappy,” Mark says, and he says it so gently that Tyler can’t even feel offended. “But I think Josh forgives you, Tyler. Or he misses you, at least.”

 

 

Josh comes back the next morning, backpack slung over his shoulder and looking like he hadn’t slept since he left. 

“I’m sorry,” Tyler whispers, and Josh cradles his head and kisses him.

They’re both crying when they break apart.

 

 

"I was going to tell you," Tyler says softly. "After tour." 

They’re lying together on their bed, Josh on his back and Tyler’s head resting on Josh’s chest.

Josh sighs. "Why then?"

"I was just too- scared, I guess, at first," Tyler says. "And then I got my checkup and ultrasound and stuff and I started to accept that I was- you know." He lifts his head off of Josh and rolls onto his back, running a hand through his hair. "And finally I decided I'd tell you after tour so I wouldn't worry you." He buries his head in his hands. "I had it all planned out," he whispers. "After we got home I was gonna take you out for dinner, and I would tell you." He pushes a sob down. "I wanted this baby, Josh," Tyler murmurs. "I wanted him. And I wanted us to be parents and I wanted us to be a family but that didn't happen it was all torn away when I was so, so _stupid_ and I got onto that damn piano even though I _knew_ I was off-balance and I _knew_ I might fall and I still did it and I fell and I _felt_ him die inside me, J, I felt him die and maybe he could've been saved if I went to the hospital right then but I didn't, I finished that show and by then I could feel blood running out and I'm a _murderer,_ oh gosh, I murdered my own child, our child, it was yours, I swear and I'm sorry, I'm _sorry-"_

"It's not your fault," Josh interrupts. "Gosh, Tyler, it's _not_ your fault."

"It is," Tyler gasps, and he can feel his body start to shake with sobs. "It's my fault. It's all my fault."

"Look at me," Josh instructs, and slowly, Tyler looks up. "It's not your fault. No one blames you. I still love you. I'll _always_ love you."

Tyler’s still crying, and he can see that Josh is too, but he feels a little bit better somehow.

 

 

 

 

-Months Later-

 

 

"Oh."

Tyler studies the multiple pregnancy tests on the bathroom floor before him, all of them showing blue lines or green squares or smiley faces.

_"Oh."_

Tyler's hand flies up to his stomach, something he hasn't done in a long, long time. 

"Baby," he whispers. There's a baby inside him. Another one. "Oh, gosh."

He feels a tear roll down his cheek, and then another. And another. And another until he's sobbing, hands over his stomach as he curls up on the floor.

There's another baby inside him, and oh gosh, he _can't_ mess this up. Not again. It'll kill him if it happens again.

Tyler doesn't know how long he lies there sobbing, curled up on the bathroom floor with his arms wrapped around his stomach, his _baby,_ but the next thing he knows Josh is dashing in, looking frantic.

"Tyler, I heard you-" Josh trails off when he catches sight of the neat little line of tests on the floor. "Oh."

And Josh sinks to his knees beside Tyler.

"I can't screw this up, Josh," Tyler whispers as Josh carefully pulls him up into his arms. "Not again."

"You won't," Josh says fiercely. "We won't."

"But what if-"

"No 'what ifs,'" Josh says, wrapping his arms around Tyler, squeezing him gently. "We're going to be amazing, okay? You're going to be amazing."

Tyler swallows hard, burying his head in the crook of Josh's neck. "Josh..."

"We'll have our moms this time," Josh says. "Our families. We'll keep you and the baby safe, I promise." Tyler flashes back, briefly, to their family members' expressions of sympathy and how much that _hurt._ "And the fans, Tyler. They'll support us, I know it."

"But-"

"No 'buts,'" Josh says firmly. "We're gonna be awesome." He grabs Tyler's hand, pressing their fingers to Tyler's waist where his baby is. Where _their_ baby is. "You hear that, baby? We're gonna be gold."

Tyler smiles through a few tears. "I'm glad you're here with me this time."

"You won't be able to get rid of me," Josh promises him, and Tyler laughs, a little shakily, but it's a laugh all the same.

"I can handle that," he tells Josh.

**Author's Note:**

> That was an adventure. 
> 
> Also, I'm perfectly aware that babies don't grow in stomachs, but let's go with the assumption that Tyler really knows nothing about pregnancy. Anyways, you'd have to read this with suspended doubt so I guess it doesn't really matter.


End file.
